Posted in Uncategorized

Train called Life

Moving at a constant but steady rate,

The train has got billion people boarded on it.

Each one of us are passengers

Going incessantly where this train is taking us.

The destination of this journey is totally unknown, 

Many passengers believe it is better that its this way, while others strive to find the meaning journey.

We all have boarded it alone and we all know sometime someday we’ll be thrown out of this train all alone.

Its magical as well as frustrating to know yet not know the mysteries of this journey.

The agony of failing to control or be in charge of this mysterious ride is gut wrenching.

The conscious mind inside us forces us to throw a beacon of light into ourselves

And know who we are? What do we want or need? 


Posted in movingon, Uncategorized

Moving on

Moving on always seemed as easy to me as a child’s single-handed play. I knew exactly how to get over someone with absolute ease and smoothness. All the steps, all of the logics with lucid details were imprinted on my mind with proper reasons until I had stumbled upon someone my heart was not ready to lose.

I had clasped onto her as tightly as a bee would hold on to a man’s finger and had ironically stung myself with the poison of my love. I was astounded by the vehemence of my love. My reasons and logics were battling day in and day out, how could a thing called love, which is supposed to heal people, make them feel alive could hurt me so much and make me dead within? With the heavy weight of my empty heart, all night long I would sob before the Almighty, cursing myself for chasing a dream that would shatter itself and make me feel distraught. As the night approach, the fear and doubts of my soul started encroaching. All the Truths that I once believed in stood under the piercing scrutiny of my reasons. Is everything that I have ever wanted a poison for me in disguise? All the dreams I dream, all the visions I see, all the hopes I hope are they all manipulators in disguise? Was I being led astray by my own self? The innocence and ignorance of my soul were weeping profusely over the mess it had created unknowingly. But, deep down I knew, There was someone else who was a mastermind. There was someone who knew I would fall prey to my own self and had conspired this situation in advance, behind the scenes. My mind hungry and hurt wanted answers. Gradually I picked myself up from the never-ending whirlpool of love and lies, wiped my tears and let my reasons pave way for me.

My carefree and cheerful demeanor had taken things so seriously that it had morphed itself into vengeance and skepticism. Gone were the days when I would wake up every morning and dream of helping and healing the world through the power my true love. Looking at the dead body of my true love covered in the shroud of lies, betrayal and hurt my heart froze completely. I felt like I’m dead with the death of my unfulfilled love story right in front of me. The word Love, Hope, Truth, and Dream could not cast even it’s shadow on me. My sincere heart was brimmed with disparity, distrust, and disdain.

The only person to whom I confided all my secrets and my truths, the God had challenged his existence in my life. My contemptuous heart couldn’t afford to trust him any longer. I detested him more with every breath that I took. All my reasons and logics had zeroed down to him being the conspirator of my tragedy. I would look at him in the eye and ask him million times why would he do this to his most honest and sincere disciple? what did he get out of my misery? Does my broken heart make him feel happy? What wrong did I do to him that he hates me so much? He would blankly stare at me and let me scorn him. When he would not answer any of my questions and stare at me like he has heard nothing and seen nothing, I would grow even more annoyed at him.

One day while driving home from the office, I narrowly missed a little puppy on the road. But, the two words I uttered the next moment were, ” Thank God”. I was shocked to see myself unknowingly utter those two words. My reasons started scorning me for being grateful to him but my heart sank there at the mistrust of my mind and ego. I drove myself to the riverside and sat on an empty bench reflecting on my life.

Yes, it’s true I was hurt when my dreams didn’t materialize. But, today while I saved the little puppy and saw it running back to his mother, I thanked God. This simply means that deep down I still believed in love. I still had faith in God. I kept my hand on my heart and thanked him for this day. Had he really hated me, or conspired against me, I would have never been able to see the daylight of another day after my beloved had cheated on me. I thanked him for saving me from the deadly dream that I was blindly following. I thanked him for letting me know that I deserve way more happiness, love and loyalty than that love story could ever provide me.

As the sun was setting, I saw it’s reflection on the river flowing by me and recalled a phrase that I had learned way back in childhood. It said, when a river flows, it stumbles across many stones, pebbles, and rocks but It never stops it’s exuberant flow looking at it. It takes a way around it, under it or over it but, at the end of the day, moves past it. This thought struck a chord in me. Perhaps I was underestimating myself, my love and my dreams and my hopes. So what she came in my way? What on Earth had told me that I couldn’t move past that one tragic love story? When did I start believing so less in myself? When did I think myself and my love to be so small that I would cease the flow of my love? I felt that childlike cheerful and exuberant smile return on my face. I had actually moved on and healed myself through my wisdom and God’s love. Now so prepared I was to sail on the verisimilitude of transitioning times with a renewed sense of courage and freedom.

Song of soul

Posted in almighty, astrology, Authenticity, belief, betrayal, cosmicstories, faith, God, happiness, honesty, hope, lies, love, prayers, Uncategorized, unconditionallove, values

The Gamble of Stars

You have broken me. You have let people grow out of love from me and you have still loved me. You take things away from me, that I feel like I cannot live without ever in my life only to make me realize that I came here all by myself. There have been days, when I felt like I am in the wrong place, when I felt out of my skin. There are moments in each day, where I feel like I’m left alone, and just cannot fathom the reason why did these diagnosis ever come into my life. I’m just left with the why’s and the tears in my eyes, and I look up to you. you still in your composure, as if like this big blow didn’t hurt you at all and you are not even happy as my enemy would have been right now seeing me in this state. I am left baffled. Are you really there? Are you seeing everything that I’m seeing? Are you feeling everything that I’m feeling?

And then I close my eyes for a second. I try to eradicate the images of hurt, images of pain, images of loss battling with my subconscious to catch a glimpse of you.

Now my heart starts crying. There is not a tear-drop in my eyes. But with every breath that I take, I feel my heart gasping for more breath. It’s sobbing uncontrollably!

I quickly open my eyes, and look straight into your photograph hanging on my wall. I start seeing your eyes has started to well up. I start noticing your lip’s movement.I feel as if there is a hand on my back, and you trying to hug me. I quickly close my eyes, and bury my face in my palms. You hug me tightly, I start shivering. You don’t let me go and there is silence every where as if the clock has also stopped for few seconds. I don’t need to articulate you anything. It’s just the instances of the deepest pain, hurt, betrayal, lies, judgments, loss and embarrassments that I have ever felt till date. And I feel as if you take away all of these things on your shoulder and release my back from these burdens and hug me even tighter.

Then I start hearing your words in my voice. It’s as if I am articulating your thoughts. I am the bridge that connects your mind to my mind, your soul to my soul. I keep asking petulant questions to you like an ignorant child. I ask you why did I feel the pain? I ask you why did somebody hurt me? Ignore me? lie to me? betray me? embarrass me? And you patiently keep answering all my questions like a master to his melancholic dog after a long day. I keep sobbing and you keep patting my back for all the times I try to tell you, that I had the trust in you, so I went this far.You say you know that.I feel a pang of relief somewhere deep in the recesses of my heart with the thought that you, at least you saw it.I had known it then.Now I’m sure of it.You did see me when I thought that I am all alone.You explained me with reasons the purpose of people betraying me- so that I do not betray anyone and keep trusting myself always. The purpose of people hurting me- so that I keep forgiving them and do not hurt anyone ever.The Sharp situations that shaped my character.The hard nights of labor coupled with faith in you that made me from a boy to a man.

I say I miss you. I do not want you to go, fully aware that you will leave in just a fraction of second any moment, and then your departing words starts!  But unlike the pain and the tears, I feel when people say these departing words in airports, prisons, stations and hospitals, I feel as if your words start forming a halo of self-determination around my head.

I am mesmerized by your games. How I came to you few minutes ago disengaging from everyone and everything, and how you’re parting from me engaging me in everything and everyone with rekindled hope and brand new heart full of faith. Do you really live in hopes and faith? And you answer by saying, I live in everything and everyone. I

Do you really live in hopes and faith? And you answer by saying, I live in everything and everyone. I say I miss you. And, you say, you live in every little speck of dust to every tall tower,  from a fly to a being, you’re everywhere. You’re omnipresent. I don’t have to miss you. If I love everyone and respect everyone just the way I do you, I will honor your presence in me, and that is what my Karma is here..

And then I open my eyes and look straight into the sunlight with voices ringing in my ears saying, “Be the Sun and light up everything!”

Amen.

 

Posted in adult stories, adultery, anniversary, blog stories, cheating, couplestories, fiction, lovestories, marriage, misunderstandings, relationshipproblems, relationships, revengestories, shortstories, stories, Uncategorized, unfaithful, unfaithfulstories

The Perfect Match

It was the 10th of March. The Tenth marriage anniversary of Abhijeet and Seema. Their life was as happening as a fictitious couple’s life would be. Both of them went to work together, though they worked at different offices. Abhijeet would first drop her and then go to his office. Their only daughter Maya was a genius at 6 years. She was excellent in studies and dancing was her only passion. Abhijeet and Seema were exceptionally proud of their daughter. Their family was a typical fictional happy family. Today being their marriage anniversary, Abhijeet wanted to take Seema somewhere away from the hullabaloo of Mumbai. After extensive research, he zeroed down to go to Mahabaleshwar. He was a frugal man who believed in spending less and achieving more. It was not that he didn’t want to go somewhere far, nor was he into cash crunch. But, just the fact that his friend Alok had his home there and going there he would have been able to save some cash for future.

While returning home with Seema from office, he communicated her about his plan. Seema, an even-tempered woman was nonchalant about going anywhere as long as she didn’t had to go to office on her anniversary. She was very meticulous in her job. As long as she was in Mumbai she never missed a day of office. She couldn’t’ rely with her job on anyone.10th was a Friday and it was already getting sultry even in March. So next morning they dropped Maya to Seema’s parent’s place in Byculla and started driving toward’s Alok’s place in Mahabaleshwar.

On the way, they stopped while Seema went into a highway pharmacy to pick up her digestive medications. While inside in the pharmacy getting her bill calibrated she heard, “how are those eyes doing?”

She was perplexed at the sight of Vikrant after about a decade. She noticed that he had grown thinner and his temple hairs had grayed. He seemed to be alone there. He was her first love to whom she had lost her virginity too during the final year of college in Elphinston. He used to call her every day with the same query. Seema had beautiful symmetrical eyes with a twinkle. They started talking.

He began,” Are you the kind of wife who cheats on her husband?”

She replied without a hint of hesitation,” Are you out of your mind! Hell no! I love Abhijeet, why would I cheat on him?”

He interjected,” but you would if I am standing next to your husband, right?”

Seema laughed off at his question and shook her head indicating a no.

They exchanged their whereabouts and bid Goodbye to each other

She returned back to Abhijeet in the car. She was puzzled and somewhat disturbed by this sudden ambush.

She narrated the entire incident to Abhijeet. Abhijeet was damn pissed off, but never showed it to her.

He behaved he was unruffled with her speaking to her ex-lover. He contained his irritation within himself. He knew about Vikrant.Only thing he didn’t expect nor want was him to pop up suddenly out of nowhere and that too on their anniversary. But they still behaved like nothing had happened. all the way, Seema was quiet, creating more restlessness and insecurity within Abhijeet heart.Seema was clearly not interested in the music he was playing or the talks he was talking or the place they were going.

They reached Alok’s place. Alok was a bachelor and he had his own bungalow in the mountains of Mahabaleshwar. he treated them with utmost hospitality and care. but like before, Seema seemed disinterested in anything and everything that was going on. Her mind was busy analyzing some mystery which was a mystery to all. on the other hand, Abhijeet was trying to come up with various possibility to distract her, because he was totally annoyed. he didn’t want or expected his wife to act so weirdly on the day of their decade long anniversary. she was ruining everything he had planned for so long. he was hurt and irritated by her. he begged her to share anything that was disturbing her, but all the things she mentioned had no trace of Vikrant in it.it was office, office, the office she was mulling over.

Abhijeet thought of an idea. he called Seema’s secretary, explained all the work that Seema was worrying about and sorted out her problem, without letting Seema know anything about it.

Alok had compiled a list of places which they could go and visit in Mahabaleshwar. Everyone in the office knew it was Seema’s anniversary, so then began the period of incessant phone calls for both of them. Then they went out to see the strawberry garden. They kept strolling in the beautiful and quiet morning. The beauty around them was breath taking. But Seema was still unhappy. Abhijeet knew something was wrong with Seema. he totally knew that she lied to him about the office issues, she was covering up something.

They both went to a nearby tea shop to have tea and a little snack. Seema was still quiet and not replying directly to anything Abhijeet was asking. Eventually, Abhijeet asked her out directly, “what is wrong with you? have I done something wrong?”Seema was so pissed at Abhijeet for trying to please her all the while that she honestly said, I am pregnant. Yes! That is the truth!”

Abhijeet didn’t expect to hear this. He couldn’t believe that Seema would be pregnant with his baby. he was blown out of his mind with the news. Abhijeet got suspicious with Seema. He didn’t believe that it was his child she was carrying.as far as he remembered he was not in Bombay for past 2 years and it’s just been about a month he returned from Vancouver. Since then they did have sex but he used protections and she never mentioned anything in two weeks about any sickness. His mind was racing with doubts and rage.it was impossible to believe that Seema had been unfaithful to him. He got extremely infuriated at her and started screaming there in the tea stall itself.

Seema felt disgusted and heartbroken. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. After ten years of their marriage, this was the truth about “the bond of their trust”! she had never imagined that the man she loved so much would accuse her of infidelity on the morn of their wedding anniversary. This news was equally a surprise to her too. She had found it out just the other day in the pharmacy loo. he had broken her heart. His voices were ringing in her ears. She was stuck in bewilderment amidst the crossroads of agony and tremendous heartache! She tried to hide the anguish and distraught welled up in her eyes and went back to Alok’s place. She did not want to argue with him on the streets any longer and decided to keep her reasons to herself. Her throat had dried up in disparity. She was too wounded to talk to him any longer.

On the other hand, Abhijeet was absolutely certain that it was not his baby. he didn’t want to blame his wife on such a special occasion, but his rationality wasn’t permitting him to believe in Seema anymore. he was sitting on the cold bench of the tea stall alone, smoking the burning end of a Marlboro. In his suspicion, he was recollecting the times he had felt Seema was cheating on him. he could not explain himself that the woman he loves so dearly, the mother of his only daughter, the best thing that ever happened to him ten years ago today had grown out of love with him. She had taken to love another man in his absence while he used to think of her day and night in Vancouver. he just couldn’t get the picture of her in her bridal attire, eyes welled up with tears of gratification after they tied the knot, ten years ago today, out of his mind.  The vows they had taken together with hands on hand over the nuptial urn forward-facing the holy wedding fire. He as guilty for trusting her blindly. He started to calculate the men she used to speak regularly with. But somehow he could only blame Vikrant for whatever happened. He didn’t find any clues about any of her office friends. And then he started imagining that they might have made out while he was out of town. he was feeling humiliated and annoyance at Seema for treating him like this. He was fixated onto taking revenge.

He drove back to 12 Pretoria Street, Powai, alone to an empty home. Seema had left the night before to Byculla. She had taken all her things along with her. Abhijeet drove to Byculla, met Maya and treated her to her favorite blueberry muffins and Mississippi mud ice cream and kissed hr goodbye on her forehead. He dropped her off and returned back to his place.at home, he had no clue what to do. He didn’t have the desire to move a single muscle. He lay lazily on the front couch and started scrolling channels in the TV.

He wanted to go up to Vikrant’s place and bash him up but he ruled out the thought, thinking to himself that he had more ego and respect to do this kiddish act. he thought of living separately, but the fact that Maya was young and she would have been devastated by this incident now he stopped thinking on the lines of separation and divorce. but deep down within him, he was itching with this desire to take a revenge.

He poured himself a glass of scotch and lighted another Marlboro. After some time he dozed off on the couch with the television and shoes on.

Next morning, he wrote a tag,”looking for a strictly physical relationship with a woman of any age for only a week. All expenses shall be taken care of inclusive of living and fooding charges.”He went to the time of India office and passed on the envelope to the classified department with a wad of crisp notes in it. then he did not go to the office. He sat in the park next to his office and finished a pack of cigarettes. After this, he drove back home and took a shower and went to meet with Maya. He particularly visited her before 5;30, making it a point to not catch even a glimpse of Seema.

After two nights, he got a call from someone named Anita who was inquiring him about his address. After Abhijeet returned home from his regular new found ritual he saw her waiting at his doorstep in a white sari. He didn’t even look at her for once and opened the lock and went straight into the bed room. He changed and went t the kitchen, pulled out two dishes a served the Chinese he had got on the way. After dinner he washed the dishes and went upstairs to the adjoining balcony and grabbed a smoke. After he finished his smoke he went in to see Anita sitting exactly on the side of the bed of Seema and undoing her hair. She started to open her earrings. Abhijeet leaned closer and kissed her. She responded coyly and asked him if he would mind switching off the lights. Abhijeet undid her bra and squeezed her ass and kissed her passionately. He rubbed his fingers over her nipples and they hardened. She lay on the bed. Abhijeet opened his trousers and started to kiss her cunt. He started to fuck her and when she started to mourn he had out his fingers in hr mouth. she started to undo his shirt to which he objected and kept fucking her harder and harder. After sex he left the room and went to the loo. he came out dressed and grabbed another smoke and went to the balcony. Anita was fast asleep by now. he went downstairs and put on the television and within ten minutes he was asleep on the couch with the TV left turned on. Next morning, Anita woke up and found Abhijeet sipping his coffee and reading the newspaper. she wished him good morning to which he replied with a hmm browsing the page 6 of finance. He pointed at her cup of coffee kept at the mantle and the keys next to it. Sipping his last drop he left for office leaving behind an envelope stacked with a wad of thousand rupee notes.

Anita Sahay was a divorcee herself. She had no kids. She was quite enjoying the company of this lovelorn man and didn’t mind to warm his bed in exchange of some moolah. She wasn’t looking for anything serious either. She started going through Seema’s dresses in her wardrobe and chose one and left for shopping with her fresh salary.

The only reason Abhijeet had her was to prove Seema that if she could have been unfaithful to him behind his back he could bloody well do it in front of her. He tried to fuck his pain away with Anita. But he never wanted Maya to get informed about all of this. He didn’t want her to try and comprehend the complexities of a relationship at this age. He took her to a park with Seema, though they both never took to speaking with each other, but just for Maya they pretended to be happy and together.

Seema got informed about Anita from her maidservant. Apart from this she too had read Abhijeet tag in the newspaper and had torn that page off to hide from her dad. She never talked about the distraught in her heart to anyone. She drove past her apartment and sobbed at the nearby park.

Anita was in the malls most of the time during the day, buying jewellery and dresses for herself. She used to come back home to Abhijeet, with his usual television, scotch, and cigarettes. Gradually the awkward silence betwixt them was evaporating. When she showed him her dresses and jewellery Abhijeet used to give her a blank expression. his mind was fixed onto Seema and the baby who was about to enter the world.

That night, he was too stressed and fatigued to screw Anita. Anita had put on a sexy backless gown and silver earrings and had done her hair into a bun. She was looking stunning. She came down and sat on Abhijeet’s lap. She poured another glass of scotch and sipped it and asked him to sip from her glass. Abhijeet was aroused by her oomph, sensuality and body perfume. He caressed her back .they started kissing. Anita bend down to unbutton his trousers and started rolling her tongue over his erect meat .he undid her hair and kissed her at intervals. Abhijeet made her sit between his legs and started pushing himself onto her. She started kissing his ears and neck and cried in a moan. they had sex on the same porch that Abhijeet and Seema had made love after they first got this apartment 10 years ago.

He was doing everything he could to get out the anger he had against Seema. but, still, the act that he not being able to find out who impregnated Seema was still irritating him. He had to find out the truth.

He went to Seema’s office, to enquire about Seema’s whereabouts to not find any clues.at home, he opened up their cupboard to look into her things but all he his hands into were all his stuff stacked up. He was partially grieved within himself for not allowing Seema to even explain herself. he even started doubting himself if it really was his baby who was probably making its way into this world. He was surrounded with vehement self-doubt. Nevertheless, he stopped his self-loathing thoughts and decided to head to Vikrant’s place. He knocked on his door and when he opened his door he started threating him to tell him the truth. Vikrant got furious at his intrusion of privacy and false allegations at him. he called the police and lodged a complaint against Abhijeet for framing him for a crime, he never committed.

The cops came in and arrested Abhijeet from his home. They took him into custody.in the mean time, Vikrant called up Seema and narrated her everything. Seema was aghast by Vikrant’s decisions of contacting the cops and not talking to her for once. She snapped up the call. She was annoyed at both Vikrant and Abhijeet for turning her nuptial domestic issues now a matter of law and order. Seema drove to the police station in dismay. She didn’t speak a word with him in there and got him bailed out. When they got out of there she screamed at him for once.

Abhijeet was absolutely quiet. His reasons had failed him to see his wife clearly. His doubts had led him to astray. He was stuck in utter self-loathing. Seema was honest with him all the while. She might have wanted to bring up the baby news as a surprise on their anniversary. She never cheated on him ever. He had maligned their relationship. He hated himself for blaming her of infidelity. He hated his decisions of dealing with adultery himself.   He was ashamed of himself. he got desperate. he did not want to destroy the perfect marriage he had.

Seema was in distraught. she did not want to bring up a baby with a man who doubted her. She just could not call a man who denies his responsibilities and who suffers from so much insecurity, her husband. She went back home irrespective of Abhijeet’s imploring.

Abhijeet, broken and damaged sent back Anita and started spending his days in the loneliness and emptiness of his house. He visited Maya every week and beseeched every day to return back home.

He thought of winning her back into his life. He started writing letters to her. he explained his insecurities in the letter. He wrote about his day in detail to her every day and dropped them off at her study. he wrote about his crippling guilt .every day after office, he returned home to check for any replies finding none.

Days passed into months and this routine continued. but one evening he got a letter.it read,” come home to pick me up and your family.”

He was ecstatic and overjoyed. He raced to her place. Seema was there with a baby boy in her arms. Both of them looked at each other with tearful eyes. That look explained the rights and wrongs of each other. Maya jumped into the car and started singing in joy. They drove back home with the baby and renewed sense of love, joy, and faith.

Posted in Authenticity, emotions, failures, flaws, honesty, imperfections, realism, truths

Trust in the Truth

Today the first day of the year -2017, I choose to not do what I have been doing in the past 24years of my life. I don’t even choose to oppose what I did in the last few years. I choose to do things which I have never ever done or thought of doing in the past years’ of this overrated new years day. I choose to write absolutely honestly about what I feel of this day.

Honestly there is not a single thing special about this day. The Earth has completed a circle around the Sun, that’s it.  Once this day gets over, we’ll be done with this hue and cry of this “new year”.We will just be going through the same seasons and same months again, only with one year added to the year that just passed. But, honestly I am not at all excited or happy about this new year. All I know is, I have the same set of problems still in my life. The same set of uncertainties and confusion still lingering onto my life like an old movie song that never changes it’s words nor rhythm. To be very honest this day and this year to me is just like a morning for a rainy day in the month of monsoon. The darkness and the gloominess of my life, won’t pass away with a night. I might choose to not see and overlook the existing problems, the misery, the hurt, the loss, to be optimistic but that won’t make them nonexistent. I might choose to not repeat the mistakes that I did in the year that passed. I might choose to believe in the lessons I learned in the past years. I might go ahead and again make the same mistake I made in the past years. But, here is the truth, things might just remain the same like it was the year before this or it might just not be not be same like any years that have passed. Whatever happens the fact is I have to go through it. I have to experience it. 

So, honestly I am not grieved by my griefs, nor am I scared of the misfortunes that probably will fall on my way. I am just choosing to be real. I am just choosing to believe that it won’t be a “happy” year for me. I will get hurt, I will get screwed, I will face roadblocks and hurdles. There would be days and nights when I will be scared. There would be times when I’d be clueless and confused. There would be decisions which I would take and most certainly repent later. Many things would not go the way I would want. I am just choosing to see this year realistically than idealistically. Yes, I might sound pessimistic or skeptical but it is this skepticism or pessimism which helps me keep my feet on the Earth. What I certainly don’t want is to make an idealistic new year resolution and forget about it by the 10th of next month. In the words of Rihanna, I rather slap myself with the truth than comfort myself with lies. 

Honestly it hurts to start off this year on such a sad note, but what hurts even more is the pain of an unfulfilled year. Sometimes the agony of something not done hits you harder than something tried and failed. The pain of repentance is heavier than the pain of failure. I am done lying myself about what I ought to be doing in this year. I am done living a life full of idealistic and hollow promises. I honestly don’t know what I am going to do or not going to do. I am prepared and not prepared for whatever confronts my way. So, here it is my honest heartfelt writeup for this year.

Posted in Authenticity, craziness, failures, flaws, honesty, imperfections, lies, love, perfection, society, truths, Uncategorized

The Mess Of My Authentic Self

The thing I realized after searching relentlessly within me is this, all I ever wanted deep within me, is to be loved and approved by all. I want to be famous and influential. I want to inspire people to get motivated by me and appreciate me. I want to be respected and adored by all for being myself.I don’t want to be hated by people. I don’t want to create enemies. I want people to respect me for my differences. I want people to adore and accept my imperfections, my careless, my whimsical attitude, my wild anger and my gentle, soft and sensitive nature. I wanna be loved for being exactly who I am. I don’t wanna change so that people would like me. I don’t wanna be perfect for anyone.

I wanna be free, free from the pressure of pleasing anyone and free from the pressure of fitting in. I want people to accept me and adore me for the crazy mess that I truly am, and not the fake versions of me which I morph myself in for them to like me.

But, when I become who I truly am, people don’t like me. They mock me and make fun of me.There have been countless situations in my life when I have surrendered myself to the opinions and perspectives of the people. I have allowed myself to get hurt by them so much so that their thoughts, their behavior, their attitude, their words start creating a deep scar within me. I feel shattered for having them think negatively about me. I feel an utter shame since I couldn’t stand up to their version of good/bad or right/wrong. I chain myself to their perspectives and opinions. I know this is not a healthy practice, but I feel helpless in times like these. I feel hurt, and being hurt punctures my soul and makes me look like a fool in the mirror.

Then the only option I see is lies.  Lies seem to me, an only easy exit out of this everlasting whirlpool of quandary and predicament.I cease to be who I truly am, and put on a facade of a person who’s not me.But who would be liked and appreciated, I do whatever it takes to get them to like me. I work for them with all my might and eventually garner their Love, respect, and freedom. But that love could never provide any solace to the pieces of my perforated heart. I do get the liberty, but that liberation still feels like an incarceration to me. The wild wolf within my soul scratches my heart in rage and resentment. I feel like a prisoner detained in the custody of my own lies.

Eventually, this year, I’ve learned to let go of people’s perspectives. I’ve learned to listen to the low-pitched voices of my soul than the sonorous and boisterous words of others. I have learnt to be honest with myself. I’ve learned to give myself the love, respect, and freedom which I was chasing outside myself. I’ve realized that the only person, I want to be obliged to is me.The only person who’s opinions and perspectives matter to be are myself. I don’t want to be a narcissist. I don’t want to lie to myself about who I am not. I know my flaws and my inadequacies, I know my weakness.I am a deeply sensitive person, I am a perfectionist and a vehemently critical person.I suffer from social anxiety, depression and phobias. I am afraid to speak out honestly what I want. I am a harsh judge to my own thoughts and myself. I am perpetually scared to talk out my honesty. I fear hurting people with my honesty. As a result I always mold my words and my thoughts, so that it sounds pleasing to them. The true purpose of finding out and acknowledging my fears, is to unlock the chains of their confinement with honesty, love, and faith. I wish to burn the candle of fear with the light of my faith. I have realized in a hard way that no matter how hard I try I cannot please everyone. I cannot keep denying my wants to fit into their standards. I have made a choice to choose my wants over their wants. I have made a decision to quench my thirst of wants first then fill in their buckets of desires. I don’t or  rather I can’t hate everybody. But, yes I can, give myself the freedom I desire, the love and respect I desire by honoring myself and being exactly the way I am. I can conquer my phobias step by step, One by One through acting them out with faith and belief within me. I don’t wish to reach mountain peaks or make great impressions on the society, I wish to live my life fully, authentically, without any regrets. I won’t let trivial things like fear, or people’s opinions stop me from realizing me from myself. I’ve decided to stop chasing perfection and to stop being a harsh judge to myself.I’ve decided to give these imperfect, messy, indisciplined and haphazard parts of me more love. I quit trying to perfect myself, I quit trying to change myself. I start valuing and befriending these crazy and scary parts of me, without any judgement.This is the purpose of my life. This is the light I choose seek and the goal I choose to reach.

 

Posted in Authenticity, belief, blindness, craziness, emotions, failures, flaws, honesty, ideals, imperfections, injustice, lies, love, manipulation, Melancholy, patents, perfection, rape, sex, society, truths, values

The Melody Of My Confined Soul

The thing is when I needed what I needed, money to pay my due rent, laptop, mobile phone, I lied. My lies helped me and nothing ever did. My morals, honesty, righteousness, obedience couldn’t help me to get what I wanted. But the thing is no matter how hard it was to lie, my parents, I got my shit done.

Does it mean I should keep lying to them about everything?

No. I.should stop lying. What I want is truly being myself and freedom from what I should have done or not done.

This means putting an end to lying about who I am not. Yes! I am not an obedient son, Yes I am not righteous, yes I do immoral stuff. Yes! I lie. Yes! I hate my Dad for not having nor following any passion of his own ever in his life, yes I hate him for never being who he truly is. Yes! I hate him for his attempts at trying to please everyone. Yes! I hate him for playacting different roles in front of different people and not being truly who he is ever except in front of me. Yes! I hate him for being nitpicky, fussy and for his perfectionist attitude which he tries so hard to impose upon me and everything I do, everything I dream of and all my endeavors.Yes! And today, I too have picked up all the above-mentioned qualities of him and have been conditioned to behave like him.

Even I keep playacting, even I try to change myself in front of other people, even I try to adjust myself to make others “happy”. Even I never had a purpose or passion in my life. Even I chase perfection blindly and get over-critical with myself and others. Even I lie about ‘being real’ when I fool around faking reality. Even I resist talking out whatever goes on in my mind without filtering it. Even I am apprehensive to act out or treat myself the way I want or do what I want- so lost I am in chasing perfection in everything! I am scared to fail though I have failed many times. I am afraid to do crazy things. I am afraid to say out loud whatever I am feeling, so conditioned I am to keep my emotions bottled within myself. So-conditioned I am to avoid doing anything new and not make mistakes that I am bloody scared to start anything new or different.

According to my Parents, Sex is a immoral. Or for that matter standing up for yourself when someone loves you or hate you is also a crime. I’m still a virgin, I haven’t even kissed a girl till date.

My Dad says that accusing someone is ” crime”, so when I was 8years old and got raped by a gay pedophile, I wasn’t allowed to lodge any complaint against him.I wasn’t even allowed to talk about it to any of my closest friends or relatives.I still remember that day.How I came sobbing home to him and how he hushed everything, dismissing it as nothing. He asked me to put it under the rug and forced me to just forget this brutal and ugliest form of sexual extortion as soon as I can and keep a facade of a perfect exterior and blow away all the real and messy sentiments. Hence I never talked about the psychological pain and agony I felt and feel till date.I doubted if at all i feel anything. At times I hated myself then, that why did this happen to me and no-one else ever talks of such kind of a problem that they faced.Am I different? Of course, I questioned my sexuality often!

I had a traumatic childhood.I was very close to my grandfather.But, as life would have had it he passed away very soon.This incident scarred me deeply.For days I was in a state of hysteria and shock. My class teacher noticed that there was an eminent difference in my demeanor.I never talked to anyone, never participated in anything that went on in the class.Teachers, criticized me saying I was “dull” and “dumb”.I was treated as if I suffer from an ailment or was a “foolish” person.Since then, my father always terrorized me about deaths.I felt that I am challenged in some sort.I felt that I can never share the topsy-turvy rides of emotions that I was sailing on.

I was never very good at studies in school.I could never come up with good scores.At home, I was physically and verbally abused by my parents for scoring marks which weren’t good enough according to them. I was blamed that I make them go through utter shame and disgrace.I was always seen at home, in accordance, to the scores of my class.I was measured up against my fellow classmates. My mother, my father and my teachers cornered me and mocked me for not scoring and also for not participating and being interactive in class. My mother used to say that she had over-heard some of my friends mocking and making fun of me and my “dirty  scores”. 

During report cards seasons, my parents even declared that I am not their kid and branded me the reason for going through this emotional torture.They questioned and criticized my worth, my abilities, my intelligence. They never saw any good in me ever. Hardly they knew what music I like or which sport I liked. They knew nothing of me, apart from the “dirty scores” and the blemish i had apparently caused to their name and fame. Nothing I did could ever match up to their standards. I sulked. I tried hard to fit in. All they could ever see how much short  I was in scores and rapport in school compared to my fellow classmates! 

It ached. I felt like shit. I didn’t know what self-respect or self-confidence was. I never thought I could ever say these to anyone.I thought I was a blemish and sort of a grave mistake for my own family. I hated myself for “causing pain to my mom and dad”. I wanted them to love me for who I am. I wasn’t even allowed to protest or be stubborn for any cause I support or believe,let alone standing up for myself or being truly myelf.After that the only thing which helped me were my lies.I lied about everything. I forged scores in my marksheet to escape their abuses. I was so desperate for them to love me and accept me again like it was, in those infant days. I couldn’t leave them and go anywhere, I would try all sort of things to get accepted by them, only to hurt myself again an again.

When my school’s principal unjustly debarred me from promotion to my next higher class, I did not have the courage to tell her that on her face. Dad said nothing to her not even the chairman when all of this happened. All I have ever learned to do is apologize. Apologize even if it isn’t my mistake.

Next, when the girl whom I loved had loved intently all my life, made out with random guys in front of me on the same bed I could neither say nor do anything. All I could ever feel was helpless and powerless. I kept giving her chances-18times, precisely, forgiving her every time. All she ever did was made me feel miserable for loving her so much. She asked me to get pads and pills for her after she finished fucking with other dudes in my home where I had only invited her because she said she needed rescue from a pervert who raped her. I sympathized with her and she manipulated me. She used my kindness and compassion and within a week got back with the same pervert.Where as only later did I get to know the guy she claimed raped her was her beloved and there was no rape.she was just bragging about it to seize attention of her boyfriend and get him jealous in the pretext of another lover.I felt like a stupid to have compassion for her when I got to know the reality.I knew what rape felt like, so I tried to help! Then when I got her flight tickets done from Bangalore to Delhi, to my place, skipping on my rent money that Dad had sent that very day, she had used razor to bruise herself in arms and underbelly on the way to the airport before boarding the flight, to give me evidences of her sexual assault.At my home when I returned home after college she coaxed me to accompany her to bars, where she got drunk and made out with guys and I used to wait for her to finish and take her back home.I was probably just pimping her all the way.I could never tell her how much she had hurt me. I could not reveal my heartache to her.  Let alone the hurt, when she would describe how she made out with her previous boyfriends. I used to be dying within myself to have sex with her but I could never tell that to her. I used to hide my erection against the elastic of my pants, to lose it quickly. This is my conditioning. So, i never wanted to hurt her or displease her in any fashion.She kept on lying to me, blaming me for not being good enough, friend.She even mocked me saying I was probably gay because I never hit on her likeall other men she used to regularly be with.

But, now I have stopped talking to her, stopped giving her any more chances. My parents, they fed me these lies. They said,  people who have sex in my age-24, are bad, dirty and immoral people, who digress. They said don’t do anything crazy and make people laugh on you. If you are living in a society you got to accept “social responsibilities” and not act out the way you want to, otherwise you will be thrown out, laughed, humiliated and criticized by the society, which is a matter of great shame and dishonor for us parents. According to me, had I had sex with her, I would be causing shame and disgrace to my parents. I would be leading myself into my grave!

Standing up and speaking for myself from my heart is a crime and arrogance. Which would lead me to my downfall. When she blamed me after six months of not responding to her that I have never been her true friend, I was dying within me to shout out straight on her face whatever my heart wanted, but my parents asked me to say her that I still cared for her, that I still want to be her friend. I felt utterly dishonoured when I said that to her, within my heart.Why did I even ask my mom about what to reply to her text.Why do i keep pretending so much!

Not pleasing others, not adjusting, not compromising ,for others is a crime and arrogance and is not acceptable at any cost.

Replying frankly and bluntly- to others- the honest brutal truth is being rude and impudent.

Only thing right is, Apologies, Forgiveness & Egolessness!

Standing up and talking for your self respect and self worth is “egotism” and “arrogance”.You shouldn’t talk for yourself.If you do that your’re being selfish and not caring for people.Even if people are not caring for you, humiliating you, insulting you, manipulating you, you still should not rather cannot say anything to them or even ignore them to the very least.

Not caring about others’ emotions is ” egotism” and “arrogance”.

Deciding what I want and Choosing what I want independently, is not permitted, it’s termed as ” being rude to elders of the family”. A grave mistake that would make me deserve all the hatred in the world.

This is what I have been fed. These are the values I have been fed in these 24years of my life.These are the laws I have had to abide by the 24 years of mylife on this planet. Right now honestly I  have outgrown most of these values. I feel suffocated to follow these values. I feel an utter chaos within me if I follow these lies that I have been fed.

Right now honestly I  have outgrown most of these values. I feel suffocated to follow these values. I feel an utter chaos within me if I follow these lies that I have been fed to me. I feel I am doing wrong to myself by following these ideals and norms. I feel like, I am being called by my heart to destroy and burn into ashes all these rotten values and ideals and beliefs and form new values for my heart and myself from these ashes, which would reflect my true and authentic self. I am done lying myself about what I should be doing. But, I need sheer courage to be my person. Today the fact that I have been able to write out freely my emotions is a clear sign that I am following my heart without an iota of doubt. Its a clear sign that I am breaking those rotten ideals and being who I truly am. I believe in some more time with God’s grace I will surely discover myself and won’t be afraid or ashamed to be myself!