Have you ever felt that feeling where you feel angry and heartbroken at the same time? I bet we all have. But, it’s only yesterday when I decided to dig deep into this feeling. Let me start with the thing that triggered or almost always triggers this feeling.
I have noticed that when I call someone and they don’t pick up my call or do not call back in spite of seeing my missed call, I feel angry and hurt. Similarly, when I message someone and they see it but don’t reply back or worse – don’t bother to see it. I get hurt. Similarly when I ask something from someone and they don’t reply back or pretend as if they haven’t heard me, – I get hurt. Similarly, when the people who used to know me – I bet they still know me – but look through me. Behave as if we are strangers – I feel hurt.
The first thing that I do when this happens is that I curse myself for taking the courteous action. I shout at myself. I tell myself – what was the need for you to bend your back for them. That’s my way of telling myself that my self-respect is important. I scold myself for being a good person to shitty people. I blame myself for being kind to someone who doesn’t deserve this kindness in the first place. I keep asking myself what wrong did I do for them to behave with me this way? Was I too needy? Did I behave too desperate? Was I rude to them? I bet I was not. Then, why did they IGNORE ME? What’s WRONG WITH ME? Why don’t people LOVE ME? Why Don’t they BOTHER TO REPLY TO ME? AM I INVISIBLE? AM I NOT WORTHY OF TALKING TO? AM I UN-IMPORTANT?
But, one thing that I realize after this chaos is over and the feelings have subsided is that I CANNOT change Nor CAN I FORCE THEM TO LIKE ME and most importantly I didn’t know that they are planning on ignoring me. So, basically, my hands are tied. I just did something out of courtesy and goodwill and ok I will admit – a little bit of pleasing – why? – just to keep them in my life.
But why do I want these people – who don’t give a shit about me – to be in my life?
Well, the answer is that sometime somewhere they were nice to me. Talking to them and interacting with them I had felt good and hence I want to keep them in my life.
More importantly, It’s about feeling wanted. It’s about me getting their attention. Moreover, these people whom my brain is asking me to CUT OUT, are my relatives, my family. Someone is my Uncle whom I adored and idolized all my life, someone is my cousin brother or cousin sister with whom I grew up, someone is my aunt with whom I have fond and loving memories. Cutting them out from my life is like cutting out my family. It’s so damn hard that I cannot even imagine explaining you. How can I cut out my uncle, my aunt, my cousin brother, my cousin sister?
BUT, the truth is I HAVE TO. When these leechers dressed in the clothes of my relatives, wearing the masks of a loving family member sucks SO MUCH time, energy, love, effort, and money out of me without bothering to be thankful I got to kick them out from my life. My life is my sacred space. I just can’t have these blood-sucking thankless people who are “so-called family members”.
I asked myself why am I running after these crumbles of unwanted and forceful attention or so-called love. Why am I not trusting GOD to bring someone in my life with whom I would NEVER Have to BEG or Run after for love? Why can’t I trust Jesus, and believe that he is giving me an opportunity to cut out these unnecessary people so that I can make room for someone who wants to give me an ocean full of love and attention all through my life without me trying to make an impression or please them in any manner?
So, there was my answer. I knew I didn’t want or perhaps I didn’t need their attention. That I am totally well-off WITHOUT THEM.
But, most importantly I realized that if I am so hungry for LOVE & ATTENTION, then I cannot go about my life begging people for bits and crumbles of attention. I should and I promise I will feed my hungry self with loads and loads of Self-love and Self Respect. I will and I promise I will not let myself starve for other people’s attention nor will I beg them for attention. I have realized that it is not worth trying SO DAMN HARD for such less attention or love. Rather, I would not try at all.
I know have very low self-esteem as in I think very LOW of myself. I always think that I am not enough. I am not perfect. I am lacking somethings. Sometimes I feel that I am lacking clear communication skills so people misunderstand me. BUT the truth is that I don’t lack anything. I am not perfect but I am ok with it and this truth is absolutely perfect.
etherealvapours 